I'm a little sad. And I'd feel too ridiculous to explain why here. Which makes me sadder. Because this is my diary. I hate having the responsibility of my words. Something I say tonight may not necessarily mean as much to me in the morning. Or maybe I will change my mind.

Oh fuck it. It isn't as if I owe anyone here anything. It doesn't matter to you if all of this crap I write were lies. Would it? If this were a great elaborate joke. Not real. I had an argument with my mother the other day. She doesn't like the idea that I write things in here. Or that some of you have my address. She thinks that you are all probably serial killers.

I know. It was the most ridiculous argument. And it isn't even as if she has no internet contact. She is a progressive, forward thinking modern woman.

If any of you could keep up such an extravagant lie, I will pay it! Awesome effort!

Fuck. Where was I?

Not telling you why I was sad? Why not? It's my diary.

A. .. my boss. The one I was fooling around with before I left that place. The one I have had the occasional naughty thought about since. The one who I kind of don't try to figure out because there is something more there than I want to face up to.

He is leaving my department. Going to work somewhere else in the building. I am VERY happy for him as I know this current position was hellishly stressful for very little recognition.

But that thing I was confused about the other night? It was him. I think I have feelings for him. Stronger feelings than I want to admit to. And now he is leaving.

This could go two ways. It could be good .. considering nothing could EVER had happened between us while he was my direct senior. OR we could hardly ever see each other and I would miss him madly.

Why can't I read minds? I would really, really appreciate that talent right now.

I laughingly told him about a dream I had last night in which he appeared .. having the psych experience he does, he interpreted it for me (I had expressed that I had no idea where it came from .. that I couldn't figure it out).

Not only was he spot on, he revealed just how much he understands me. And that almost doesn't sit well with me.

I need some direction for my thoughts on this one.

Why now do I discover that there may be 'something' there? Why not a year ago when we were fucking? Why at all?

I am so mixed up on this. Like, REALLY mixed up. The feeling I have for him is something totally foreign to me.

I'm really not sure I want this feeling.

I have flashes where I go back on every thought I've had .. a total 180 degree turnabout. I don't have ANY feeling other than friendship. I am annoyed that I would fool myself into thinking that there was something more.

Maybe I am fooling myself. I really, really don't know.

Maybe I tell myself the feelings aren't legitimate because maybe he doesn't feel these things back. And I just don't want to be hurt. Or look stupid. Or be vulnerable.

What I know is this: we get along. We understand each other. He makes me laugh. I respect him. I am physically attracted to him. He surprises me. I want to get to know him better and better. He is kind. He is intelligent. He is as mad as I am.

What I do not know: if he feels all of this too.

I sound like a lovestruck teenager. And I'm not even lovestruck. I'm Stupified. That's what I am.

I am asking for a sign.

His departure is a sign. Our conversation today was a sign. The fact that he mentioned SIGNS in the stupid conversation was a fucking sign.

But still, they appear to point in both directions. They say .... maybe this way! ... but mayyyyybe that way!

Do I lack the confidence to read the signs correctly? Am I too confident and so I read more into everyday NON SIGN events? Maybe I have used my life's share of the word 'maybe' in this one little entry.

Any pyschics out there? .. please advise.

! muchos gracias