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Last weekend, I got it in my head that I had to go to the zoo. I had to go on Friday.

All week long .. pretty much a lot of the time in general though .. I have been thinking about a certain boy from my past. It's his birthday today.

Today - while at the zoo - I saw that certain boy.

I haven't seen him in four-ish years.

I saw him at the zoo. A place I haven't visited in maybe ten years. A place he hadn't visited in nine years.

It was almost closing time, I HAD to see the bears.

I can't write more than a sentence because .. it feels like too much information. I can't process it.

I am even remembering it in slow motion. My name called. Me standing there in shock. His face.

The one I dream about.

And I babbled .. on about nothing. I whisked him over to see Mia - and his words but she's not yours, is she?, uttered with a trace of panic.

Where are you now? What are you doing? Do you still live there? In that house? Do you still drive that car?

Me blurting out anything that came to mind. Couldn't stop looking at his beautiful face. My heart beating wildly - out of my chest - he can see it for sure.

That hug. Six feet three leaning down into five feet six .. his cheek on mine .. I don't want to let you go.

I want to catch up. I have a card .. fuck. fuck - there must be a million of them in my car - my white nissan pathfinder - same plates. i want to give you my card. that look. he sees me

I blurt out - but I know your email address .. off the top of my head (doh) ..

YES. Email me there. Same email. Please email me. You don't know how wonderful it is to see you.

Oh my goodness. Yes. Don't leave. I will email you. I want to catch up. Don't leave.

I never felt that way about anyone in my life. And not since. He changed my heart.

Of course I never really told anyone much about the intensity of my feelings for him. Jas knows now of course. She couldn't believe the electricity between us. Instant. I think she now thinks I'm semi human :) Up until this afternoon, as far as she was aware, I had never held such deep emotions about anyone. She was upset that I never told her. But I couldn't talk about it mostly. My heart truly aches when I think about him.

Oh my goodness.

And so now. I email him, right?

I say - it was incredible to see you. happy birthday, btw! I want to catch up with you properly - we should meet.

And then what? I can't have him.

I'm just that much more aware of what I missed out on.

Fuck.